Saturday, December 31, 2011

Disclosure on misnumbered future posts

Just a quick disclosure statement---in a few hours, posts are going to start going live on this blog (Sesame Street ads) and the numbering is going to look like I was ingesting Cookie Monster's Magical Cancer Cure. The numbering is actually the order that I created the jokes. Putting them into the prescheduled system, I mixed them up a little. Thanks for understanding.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A cow based economics lesson

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Cat workplace

What is wrong with this picture of the cat workplace?
There are a few problems with this picture of cats working. Can you spot them all?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Lazy xmas pizza

Christmas dinner pizza.
There are moments that I realize that some merchants really do not try very hard. And that I really do not want to eat any food that they are selling. Here is a lovely Christmas dinner pizza. Ok, maybe fuglicious is a better description of it.

It looks more like a bachelor's pizza---you know the type that is really poor and too lazy to go to the grocery store.

"Gee, I am hungry. But Pizza Hut doesn't deliver at this time of night. Oh, look a cardboard pizza. But it has no meat on it. Why did I buy this piece of s*** in the first place? Oh look, I have some bacon, and some lunchmeat...hmmm, I wonder how it would taste on a piece of cheese and tomato sauce painted cardboard."

Yes, I swear that this pizza looks like someone just decided to toss some random breakfast sausage, bacon and lunchmeat on it. And for the name, I am guessing that it is only a Xmas pizza because that is merely the next major holiday on the calendar---come back in a few months, and this will be a fuglicious Easter dinner pizza.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Foot in mouth disease Actress Edition

Why you should always be careful about what you say.
Here is an example of a conversation that one does not want to have with one's significant other...or anyone else for that matter. Just keep your knowledge...and your yourself. Remember no good can ever come from admitting that you know an actress.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My cat has some food issues

Lord Baltarashar thinks that he is the only one that matters.
Those who know my interest in the occult know that I think that some animals act as familiars to their owners, and represent attributes that the magician/witch either has or is developing. Looking at my cat Baltarashar, I hope that this is not true because he has some food issues.

Baltarashar is one of the rescue kittens that we trapped from the feral colony last fall. His mother was wild, or maybe feral, and she was bringing them to our porch to eat. When I spotted them I decided that they needed to be fixed.

I also secretly decided that Baltarashar was going to be my cat. He was the most curious and intelligent kitten of the litter. Unfortunately, his time being a poor kitty has warped his little kitty mind.

For instance, he runs from bowl to bowl at feeding time, sampling everyone's food---after all, I might have given someone else something better. His favorite victim to push out of the way is his brother, Georgie.

Now, I understand having food issues. My wife LOATHES my food issues. For instance, I won't consider eating anything that she might be able to eat until it is on the verge of spoiling. This includes leftovers which she doesn't like eating.

Like my cat, my food issues come from my childhood. I am the oldest of eight kids; and from about seven or eight, I was told that my duty was to sacrifice for my siblings. I often went hungry, so that they could have more food.

My wife has been trying to get me to overcome my food issues for years.

Today, I learned while putting away the groceries that "my cat" has an addititional food issue---he has absolutely no shame about helping himself to food that is meant for later. I am putting stuff in the fridge and I turn around and he is busy opening up a packet of fish. I take it away from him, and wrap it up in plastic wrap. I turn back around, and he has found another bag with fish in it. I tell him to stop that, and he gives me that look that Eddie Izzard's dog does---"Is it wrong for me to eat?"

I understand his point. My food issues and his are caused by the same type of situation---stravation. Except that he might be better at coping with it---maybe---we will see if he becomes a twenty pound cat.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Bacon stuffed deep fried twinkles

Now, normally I do not actually issue actual wisdom on this blog---but today I am going to. Here goes:

If you eat deep-fried bacon stuffed Twinkles, you are going to give yourself a heart attack. Maybe not today, maybe not on Thanksgiving, but soon you will end up taking a ride in an ambulance.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Superhero business cards

I will admit that it never occurred to me what the business cards of superheroes looked like; but never fear, Smosh anaswered the question for all of us.

Thor: For when your god doesn't come to the rescue.

Hawkman: Proficient in maces, spears and other weapons that were menacing in the Paleolitic era.

Spider-Man: Will work for food or course credit.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Porn v Big Bang Blackboards

Are you aware that there are things written on blackboards in the background of some porn films?

Are you aware that there is a blog dedicated to checking the facts written on such blackboards for accuracy and grade level?

You didn't. And you didn't. Me, neither.

Yeah, we are concerned about what is written on the blackboard.
Isn't this something that like good acting and scripts does not apply to pornographic material?

Come to think of it, I am not sure that good acting and scripts apply to most of the media that we are subjected to. Especially the television commericals.

Maybe this blackboard actually says something brilliant.
Seriously, the only blackboards I pay any attention to are the ones on The Big Bang Theory. And that is only because they call attention to them. I don't understand them...of course, I do not think that I am supposed to.

Which brings me to a theory, if the blackboard is covered with stupid foundational math, one will see some tits. And if it is covered with stuff that you need advanced math to understand, no one is getting laid.

But you already knew this theory, didn't you?

Anyway, a big thanks to the Bloggess for bringing the Blackboards in Porn blog to my attention. Of course, if you would like to thank her, go read her about her encounter with a sasquatch. It is funnier than any porn blackboard you will ever read.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

You could be a bomb

Helping your child understand why he may pose a threat to National Security.
Here is a book that we all need---My First Cavity Search. I am not sure who came up with the idea, but my hat is off to you. I would have no idea how to explain to a child why they must be searched, and incidents of Homeland Security and TSA (Transportation Security Administration) insisting that a child needed a patdown have occurred. I imagine it is only a matter of time before some child is cavity searched---after all, you can pack a lot of explosives into a six year-old.

Just the other day, some poor cancer survivor failed a screening, and needed to be patted down. And no, the TSA did not want to see her Device Identification Card; after all, we know that the terrorists are packing explosives into breast implants and making up fake DICs.

The sad part is that tests conducted on the TSA have proven that if you are serious about getting weapons and bombs through security, you can. My current theory is that the TSA is too focused on petty harrassment, squeezing private parts, and generally being racist to do much good.

Of course, I probably do not have to worry about this. With the amount of meds I would need to be able to fly, the plane would never leave the ground. We all know that migraines are a sign that you have a bomb planted in your brain. Either that, or the TSA will decide that all journalists, bloggers, reporters, writers, cartoonists, and other media people are on the no-fly list. After all, if you print something bad about the TSA or Homeland Security, you are obviously a terrorist.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

An experiment with Craig and chickens

Emo, Craig Ferguson, some chickens, and an experiment---what more could you possibly want for your educational viewing?

Saturday, September 17, 2011

At least he has a job

Who is that working at Enzo's End Pizzeria?
We all know the economy is bad. People have lost their jobs, and are working wherever they can find work. It is sad, especially when you see someone you know working at a place that is paying them far less than they were previously making.

Today, walking by the Enzo's End Pizzaria, I recognized one of their lower paid workers. He was standing on the roof trying to drum up business. In the rain---I repeat, it was raining! Oh how the mighty have fallen. Take a close look at this employee---do you recognize him? I do.

It is Big Boy!!!
Yes, I am positive that it is Big Boy that they were making stand on the roof in the rain. I could be wrong. Maybe, it is his loser of a cousin---the one that gambles a lot.

Either way, given the state of the economy, it is nice that he has a job. I know a bunch of people who would love to be paid minimum wage to stand out in the rain and try to get customers to go inside and buy a pizza.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Compromise Conspiracy Theory

Who is responsible? The US government? Or terrorists? Why not both?
Not one of my cartoons, but it does describe how silly I think the conspiracy theories around the fall of the Twin Towers are. Let's be honest---it does not matter who is responsible for the fall of the Twin Towers; what matters is that a lot of people died on September 11, 2001.

[I forgot where I found this cartoon. If you know who the artist is, please leave me a note in the comment section, so that I can credit them properly.]

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Not really an artist

Show us your weiner.
Tonight, my wife and I attended a gallery opening. One of her college class-mates was the artist. Of course, looking around at the stuff being done reminded me that I am not really an artist. I am not really sure what I am, but artist is not it.

Of course, part of this realization delusion is the simple fact that I never went to art school, outside of a couple of continuing education classes at the Colorado Institute of Art. It is not that I didn't want to go to art school; it was the fact that at the time I was interested in going to art school, I could not qualify for the student loans because I dropped out of high school (long story for another day) and not yet taken my GED.

The fact that I did not possess a high school diploma did not prevent them from putting me on the continuing education mailing list. It was during one of those evening workshops that I had an instructor (someone who had went to CIA---as the students called it then) tell me that I would be so wasting my money going there. And not because I lacked talent.

He thought that I could teach myself everything I needed to know for much cheaper by investing in books and materials, and spending some time working on my craft. I already could draw what I saw, and had a better work ethic than the other students in the workshops (who spent more time gossiping than doing art).

Which is why I do not have an art school education...I could have went to Metro for art, but decided to go with history and literature instead...and therefore am not really an artist (among other reasons).

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Wrong way to protest

How to fail when protesting injustice.
I will admit that I do not understand protestors who riot, burning and looting their own neighborhoods. It makes no sense to me to protest that others are treating you badly, and then go destory your own neighborhood. But I guess that is human nature. Last semester, I took a class covering the development of cities in the United States, and every riot that we looked at in that class happened in the very neighborhood of the class that were protesting that they were being oppressed and taken advantage of. It is ironic that by destorying their own neighborhoods, protestors often make it easier for building projects that further displace them both in location and economical standing. On that note, the current round of protesters must be given a failing grade. Sorry guys, I would love to get behind your cause, but the disturbing lack of foresight scares me.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Joys of taxes

Colorado Sales Tax Rates for Dummies.
Occasionally, my printer will look at something that I am printing and insist that it is complete and utter gibberish. Sometimes, I agree with the opinion of the printer. One such time was today as I was researching the local sales tax rate for tomorrow's Handmade Hookup Craftshow. Seriously, the version that my printer printed out makes as much sense as the clear copy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Message to the wife

The internet is for three things
My dear wife, the internet was invented for military defense, sharing scientific information, and for pornography. Not for selling your arts and crafts.

(If you are not my wife, please visit her shop Celtic Soul Jewelry and Pottery.)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Silly Blogging Rule Number 57

Silly Blogging Rule #57
For all those bloggers I read that have written a post (at one time or another) about needing a life to generate material for blog posts. Point of truth---if you have a life, you don't have time to blog. Don't believe me---just watch my blogs when my life gets interesting. The math is simple to do from that set of data: Interesting times in my life equal no blog posts.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Who is Morgan Drake Eckstein?

Hi everyone.

Hi Morgan.

I am your host Morgan Drake Eckstein.


And I will be your cartoonist today.

*half-hearted applause*

I am here to entertain you.


And educate you.

*complete and utter silence*

Ok, forget educating you.


And to convince you to visit the Etsy shop of she who must be honored.

*excessive applause*