Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Introducing the Higher School of Political Superstitions

Suffering from mad cow disease? Brained by zombies? Unable to grasp simple logic? Flunked all your math and science classes multiple times? Paranoid of people who are different than you are? Whacked in the head repeatedly with a Bible as a child? Can you see Russia from your front porch?

If so, never fear, you can enjoy a promising career in the ever-expanding world of politics.

Here at the Higher School of Political Superstitions, we can teach you everything that you need to know to be a successful politician.

Here is just a small list of some of our great classes taught by instructors who suffer the same mental problems that you do:

How to disguise bribes from lobbyists as campaign donations

How to use a phone

How to take selfies of your sexual organ

How to sound like you are a complete idiot even when you are not

How to completely ignore the wishes of the people who voted for you

How to lie without spraying coffee out of your mouth

How to abuse your interns

How to close the government down while blaming the other guy for not giving into your extortion demands

And many, many more valuable classes that will make you a top notch politician on the fast track to the White House.

All this learning can be yours for the amazingly low price of $666. And best of all, you do not need to leave the comfort of your home. Just mail your check or money order to M. D. Eckstein, Dean of the Higher School of Political Superstitions, and we will send you the first correspondence lesson right away. And in no time at all, you will have a piece of lambskin stating that you are the best politician to screw things up.

Don't wait! Send us your check today!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Loki teaches the Cookie Monster

This clip from Sesame Street cracks me up. The Cookie Monster meets Loki... er, Tom Hiddleston, who both teaches Cookie Monster a lesson about delayed gratification and tricks him. And I think that it is awesome because it is more of the Loki that I know than the comic book/movie version.

(For those who are unaware, yes, I am one of those modern day pagans who have dealings with Loki, the Norse trickster god...who does not seem to be nearly the villain that late Norse mythology made him out to be--in fact, late Norse mythology [and the recording thereof] may have been heavily influenced by Christianity--therefore, I tend to trust my personal experiences more about his true character.)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

John Cleese updates the security levels of Europe

A voice of reason in the darkness.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

More Apple Maps mischief on Bad Monkey Street

Apple Maps is obviously a fan of my work. 
So it turns out that there is yet another problem with Apple Maps; it turns out that Apple Maps helped themselves to information from OpenStreetMap--the wikipedia of the map world--including street names that are editing pranks. Besides Mojo Way and Hillbilly Hameed, Apple Maps shows a street in Kabul named Bad Monkey.

Could it be that Apple Maps is a fan of my work? After all, I did call my second collection of articles that I write for the Hearthstone Community Church by the title Bad Monkey. Probably not, but that is a much better theory than Apple Maps trying to do a project for as cheap as humanly possible.

You can find Bad Monkey online at Barnes and Noble--Apple Maps might not tell you that.