Customized Death Threats

I believe that this might be a death threat gone bad.

Feeling blue? Unloved? Neglected? Want people to take you seriously?

Prove that you are worthy of love and admiration. Prove to the world that you are a serious lover, leader, politican, or journalist.

How?

Simple, order a personalized death threat from Mad Uncle Morgan.

We can customize a personal death threat that will convince your lover to stay with you, journalists to listen to you, and your followers to believe that you are the real McCoy. It may even convince the police not to give you parking and speeding tickets.

Here at Mad Uncle Morgan's, we have a crack staff of artists standing by to create that perfect death threat to fulfill your goals.

Choose your method of delivery:

Snail (for those death threats that can wait until tomorrow)
Carriage pigeon (a medieval favorite)
Email (currently unavailable--our server is down)
Old fashioned pony express (despite news of their bankrupty, they are still in business)

Choose your medium

Crayon (remember that Mad Uncle Morgan only uses the finest of child labor)
Cut-out newspapers and magazine stock (supplies are limited--order now)
Blood (taken from the finest of debtors)
Gold ink (mucho expensive, yet very impressive)

Choose your threat

Licked by cats (comes with complimentary cat farts)
Smothered by tribbles (a nerd favorite)
Taxed to death (Republicans and rich people love this choice)
Random accident (makes your bad luck look like a conspiracy)

Choose your menace

Freemasonry conspiracy (a prime choice since 1717)
Dogs (maybe one should buy the expensive dog food)
Government squirrels (they are everywhere watching you)
Random lunatic (generated through our patented random number system)

Don't see your favorite on the list? Call now. 1-800-threats and ask about about our special super-expensive rates reserved for our most special customers.

Don't wait. Order now.

[Full disclosure: Mad Uncle Morgan only provides the death threat. No actual assassinations are delivered with this service. Our income depends on repeat business--and where would we be if you actually died?!]

Sesame Street Ad 5

Golden Dawn must buy commerical time on Sesame Street.

One of the problems with allowing Sessame Street to support itself with commericals is that some weirdos might decide that it is a good idea to take out a few commericals. It is one thing for the Mormons and the Catholic Church to pay for commericals during Sesame Street to convince young children that membership in their organizations is a good thing; it is whole another thing when organizations like the Necromatic Golden Dawn decide that it is their best interests to teach young children their weird ideas. ("Not only do we have Secret Chiefs, we have the undead Mathers, Westcott and Crowley sitting on the dais just wanting to eat your brains and drink your blood.") I think that Mitt Romney believes that only good Republican and Wall Street backed companies and organizations are going to be able to afford commerical time on Sesame Street, but I am sure that enourgh weirdos want to get their message out that Sesame Street will be mighty tempted to take some unclean dues money from people selling zombie healing techniques and demonic invocations. Right behind them will be the Sisters of Severity (a women mystery tradition filled with wicked Wiccans and pagans) and the Stone Cutters (a men mystery tradition filled with beer and doughnuts).

My cat has some food issues

Lord Baltarashar thinks that he is the only one that matters.

Those who know my interest in the occult know that I think that some animals act as familiars to their owners, and represent attributes that the magician/witch either has or is developing. Looking at my cat Baltarashar, I hope that this is not true because he has some food issues.

Baltarashar is one of the rescue kittens that we trapped from the feral colony last fall. His mother was wild, or maybe feral, and she was bringing them to our porch to eat. When I spotted them I decided that they needed to be fixed.

I also secretly decided that Baltarashar was going to be my cat. He was the most curious and intelligent kitten of the litter. Unfortunately, his time being a poor kitty has warped his little kitty mind.

For instance, he runs from bowl to bowl at feeding time, sampling everyone's food---after all, I might have given someone else something better. His favorite victim to push out of the way is his brother, Georgie.

Now, I understand having food issues. My wife LOATHES my food issues. For instance, I won't consider eating anything that she might be able to eat until it is on the verge of spoiling. This includes leftovers which she doesn't like eating.

Like my cat, my food issues come from my childhood. I am the oldest of eight kids; and from about seven or eight, I was told that my duty was to sacrifice for my siblings. I often went hungry, so that they could have more food.

My wife has been trying to get me to overcome my food issues for years.

Today, I learned while putting away the groceries that "my cat" has an addititional food issue---he has absolutely no shame about helping himself to food that is meant for later. I am putting stuff in the fridge and I turn around and he is busy opening up a packet of fish. I take it away from him, and wrap it up in plastic wrap. I turn back around, and he has found another bag with fish in it. I tell him to stop that, and he gives me that look that Eddie Izzard's dog does---"Is it wrong for me to eat?"

I understand his point. My food issues and his are caused by the same type of situation---stravation. Except that he might be better at coping with it---maybe---we will see if he becomes a twenty pound cat.