Saturday, July 28, 2012

Customized Death Threats

I believe that this might be a death threat gone bad.
Feeling blue? Unloved? Neglected? Want people to take you seriously?

Prove that you are worthy of love and admiration. Prove to the world that you are a serious lover, leader, politican, or journalist.


Simple, order a personalized death threat from Mad Uncle Morgan.

We can customize a personal death threat that will convince your lover to stay with you, journalists to listen to you, and your followers to believe that you are the real McCoy. It may even convince the police not to give you parking and speeding tickets.

Here at Mad Uncle Morgan's, we have a crack staff of artists standing by to create that perfect death threat to fulfill your goals.

Choose your method of delivery:

Snail (for those death threats that can wait until tomorrow)
Carriage pigeon (a medieval favorite)
Email (currently unavailable--our server is down)
Old fashioned pony express (despite news of their bankrupty, they are still in business)

Choose your medium

Crayon (remember that Mad Uncle Morgan only uses the finest of child labor)
Cut-out newspapers and magazine stock (supplies are limited--order now)
Blood (taken from the finest of debtors)
Gold ink (mucho expensive, yet very impressive)

Choose your threat

Licked by cats (comes with complimentary cat farts)
Smothered by tribbles (a nerd favorite)
Taxed to death (Republicans and rich people love this choice)
Random accident (makes your bad luck look like a conspiracy)

Choose your menace

Freemasonry conspiracy (a prime choice since 1717)
Dogs (maybe one should buy the expensive dog food)
Government squirrels (they are everywhere watching you)
Random lunatic (generated through our patented random number system)

Don't see your favorite on the list? Call now. 1-800-threats and ask about about our special super-expensive rates reserved for our most special customers.

Don't wait. Order now.

[Full disclosure: Mad Uncle Morgan only provides the death threat. No actual assassinations are delivered with this service. Our income depends on repeat business--and where would we be if you actually died?!]

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bad book blurbs

Troll cat, high on drugs, admits his opinion of your book.
The other day, a friend (JF) and I was sitting around talking about bad books and bad writers that we knew. One thing led to another, and we started to write bad book blurbs for some of our favorite bad books and writers. Here are some of our bad book blurbs.

I wouldn't trust this person to write a shopping list.

If I wanted an enema, I would go to the doctor.

After reading this book, I need medical marijuana.

(The following is about a famous series)

This book is perfect for retarded tweens.

My cat buried a better book in the litter box.

(And my personal favorite)

One suspects that the entire editing staff was away on a three-year drunk-fest...