Bad Monkey now available online at B&N

The Bad Monkey ebook is now available online at Barnes and Noble.

The good news is that Bad Monkey--the Collected 2011 Hearthstone Community Church Articles is available for sale online from Barnes and Noble (99 cents). The bad news is that there is no cover image for the ebook. *sigh* Not that the cover would actually help the ebook sell--after all, it is more of a in-joke between my friends and me (shared with those who attended the June 2011 Open Full Moon ritual), but still I can't imagine it doing better without the cover image being available. There is also no product description, and the sample size is so small that you really can not get a flavor for my writing style. Oh yeah, this is really going to sell. Yes, you can file this under "The joys of writing ebooks."

Binders of women--a new threat issued by Troll Cat

Troll Cat must be a Republican.

I just learned that Troll Cat, otherwise known as the Great and Powerful Merlin, was watching the Presidental debate tonight. I discovered this when I refused to give him more catnip, which he scatters all over the house...which in turn makes my wife a little cross--for some reason, she does not believe that we need catnip scattered everywhere.

Upon my refusal to give him more catnip, Troll Cat pointed out that he has whole binders full of women, some of them crazy cat ladies who would be delighted to give him more catnip; therefore, he could replace me with a much better employee.

Now, unlike Mitt Romney, I am sure that Troll Cat does not have binders full of women...but considering that he will not let me near the files, one can never be sure. So I guess that I better play it safe and just give him some catnip.

As for my wife, well, I imagine that Mitt Romney will allow me access to his vast binders of women to select a new wife--after all, he claims to care about my problems.

Kitty Software Updates

The number one cause of Kitty Software Update failures.

Today was a Windows Update day. About half of all Windows Update days result in me screaming at one of the computers--and not neccessarily at the dinosaur computer. Which brings me to an important question:

 

Why does Kitty Software Updates fail?

 

(What did you think that I was going to be normal?! Which blog have you been reading?!)

 

For instance, I would like the patch for "Do not chase the oldest cat around the house" to successfully install. As it is right now, I have to stand there with the squirt bottle--the cat version of Alt Ctrl Delete--to even get one of other cats to consider the wisdom of chasing him.

 

Now, let's be fair--Human Software Updates fail all the time. Proof of this can be found in any business, college or mental hospital. In my own case, the "Forgive and Forget" update never seems to install right--periodically, I am told that I should not keep remembering the fact that certain people have proven to be less than reliable. Obviously, it is a software problem--much like my inability to remember any of the math that I learned a couple years ago (or maybe that is just a case of simple bitrot).

 

So why does Kitty Software fail to install the updates?

 

My current theory is improper restarts. For instance, one of my cats was asleep the other day, busy downloading the latest update, and his brother just walked over and booped him on the nose. If improper shutdowns can mess up a Windows Update, then surely an improper restart could mess up a Kitty Software Update, right?

 

And no, the Sanity Update does not work on my particular version of Human Software--I have no idea why that is.

 

Pluto is still a planet according to Apple Maps

Denver Colorado is now on the planet Pluto, according to Apple Maps.

What is the quickest way to make sure that you make a complete mess of a project? Hire absolutely no one who has any experience with the type of project in question.

And that is exactly what the project chiefs behind Apple Maps did. They treated a mapping project as if it was just a collection of data points, and as a result you could find yourself...well, you know where.

I imagine that Apple Maps thinks that Pluto is still a planet, and is located at the intersection of Colfax and Broadway in Denver, Colorado. I dare you to use Apple Maps to prove me wrong.

Replacements for the replacement refs

Ok, let's be clear about something up front--I am not a big football fan. But even I must admit that the NFL replacement refs are not up to the task. So given the fact that it is unlikely that we will get the regular officials back soon--because someone is just too d*** cheap to pay them--I now present three replacements (actually four) for the replacement zebras. 

A rotten tomato would make a better replacement.

First up is a rotten tomato. We already getting rotten calls, so we just as well go with a rotten piece of fruit (or is it a vegetable--I am never sure; but then again, either are these second-string refs).

Pee Wee Herman knows more about football.

Obviously, price is an issue and a bigger priority than getting the regular refs back. So let's try some out of work actors--I understand that Pee Wee Herman is willing to work cheap. Plus he is an actor--surely he can act more like a ref than the foot locker crew. 

Yes, my cats sleep though the football games--but they still would be better. 

Seriously. Yes, my cats find football utterly boring, and they do not know the rules. But after watching this round of misfits wearing zebra shirts and having no clue, wouldn't you sooner trust my cats to make better calls. I don't know about you, but my cats make better calls in their litter box than the replacement refs do.

Free for today only

Shakespeare's Monkey

Today (well technically until Friday September 14, 2012), you can get a free copy of my ebook Shakespeare's Monkey when you enter coupon code EX49A at the checkout. Why free today? Well, one of the stories contained in this volume was based on 9/11--apologizes to the dozen people that I blended together to create the characters (it was creative license)--and today is as good of a day to share that piece of fiction as any other.

Customized Death Threats

I believe that this might be a death threat gone bad.

Feeling blue? Unloved? Neglected? Want people to take you seriously?

Prove that you are worthy of love and admiration. Prove to the world that you are a serious lover, leader, politican, or journalist.

How?

Simple, order a personalized death threat from Mad Uncle Morgan.

We can customize a personal death threat that will convince your lover to stay with you, journalists to listen to you, and your followers to believe that you are the real McCoy. It may even convince the police not to give you parking and speeding tickets.

Here at Mad Uncle Morgan's, we have a crack staff of artists standing by to create that perfect death threat to fulfill your goals.

Choose your method of delivery:

Snail (for those death threats that can wait until tomorrow)
Carriage pigeon (a medieval favorite)
Email (currently unavailable--our server is down)
Old fashioned pony express (despite news of their bankrupty, they are still in business)

Choose your medium

Crayon (remember that Mad Uncle Morgan only uses the finest of child labor)
Cut-out newspapers and magazine stock (supplies are limited--order now)
Blood (taken from the finest of debtors)
Gold ink (mucho expensive, yet very impressive)

Choose your threat

Licked by cats (comes with complimentary cat farts)
Smothered by tribbles (a nerd favorite)
Taxed to death (Republicans and rich people love this choice)
Random accident (makes your bad luck look like a conspiracy)

Choose your menace

Freemasonry conspiracy (a prime choice since 1717)
Dogs (maybe one should buy the expensive dog food)
Government squirrels (they are everywhere watching you)
Random lunatic (generated through our patented random number system)

Don't see your favorite on the list? Call now. 1-800-threats and ask about about our special super-expensive rates reserved for our most special customers.

Don't wait. Order now.

[Full disclosure: Mad Uncle Morgan only provides the death threat. No actual assassinations are delivered with this service. Our income depends on repeat business--and where would we be if you actually died?!]

Bad book blurbs

Troll cat, high on drugs, admits his opinion of your book.

The other day, a friend (JF) and I was sitting around talking about bad books and bad writers that we knew. One thing led to another, and we started to write bad book blurbs for some of our favorite bad books and writers. Here are some of our bad book blurbs.

I wouldn't trust this person to write a shopping list.

If I wanted an enema, I would go to the doctor.

After reading this book, I need medical marijuana.

(The following is about a famous series)

This book is perfect for retarded tweens.

My cat buried a better book in the litter box.

(And my personal favorite)

One suspects that the entire editing staff was away on a three-year drunk-fest...

Occult Writer (Zealot's Dictionary)

Occult writer: Someone who decides to display their vast ignorance of magic, psionics, and secret societies to the general public. The best occult writers make everything up; second-best occult writers rely on photocopies of old documents found in the circular files of university libraries. All occult writers write for money which explains why they can be found flipping burgers, standing on street corners holding cardboard signs, and selling talismans out of the trunk of their cars behind the local Quik-Mart.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Spot the Pig

Can you spot the pig?

There is a game played by the more unsavory classes of people---aka criminals---pig spotting. The good inmates of Vermont decided to carry it to a whole new level (by "good" I mean "good for a humorous blog post"). Vermont in one of their money saving maneuvers has been using a print shop in one of their correctional facilities to print out decals, including decals for police cars. The inmates decided to modify the official design to include a pig. And the official word from the Vermont State Police is that we are not supposed to find this funny because it is going to cost the tax payers money to replace the Easter egged decals.

If only we had a crystal ball to foresee how inmates would view such a task. So much grief could be sidestepped if only someone had a working crystal ball. How much money could have been saved if only someone wasn't trying to cut the budget and decided to send the printing job to a company not staffed by prison inmates? Seriously, no one thought to double check the police decals being cranked out by the very people that they put in jail?!

While I am sure that criminal behavior was involved in this prank, I am not sure that it rests entirely with the good inmates of the Vermont correction system. I think that there is plenty of blame to go around, and a few questions should be asked about the foresight and common sense of certain government employees.

A bacon based vision test.

As always, leave your angry comments below---I read all the comments, even if I do not approve and publish them.

Trending right now



Things trending on Yahoo the evening of January 10, 2012.

Every once in awhile, I look at the trending topics on one of the sites (search engine, social networking, etc.) and wonder what they have in common...it is a hazard of working as a writer. Here is what trending according to the Yahoo search engine right now: iPhone birthday, Manny Pacquiao, She Smells So Nice, Doomsday Clock, tax planning, 7.3 quake, Twinkles, Snoop Dogg, nicotine therapy, and Gina Carano.

Ok, some of these my fertile mind can connect. For instance, tax planning, nicotine therapy, and the 7.3 quake all tie into the Doomsday Clock. Seriously. C'mon, haven't you tried to do your taxes (or thought about your taxes) while trying to give up smoking? If you have, you have wished for an earthquake or Doomsday to put you out of your misery. And Twinkles are also related to Doomsday because they are the ultimate food---guaranteed to survive any Doomsday (asteriod, nuclear bomb, the coming of Raptochrist). Perhaps the birthday of the iPhone is one of the variables that needs to be accounted for when figuring out when Doomsday is going to occur.

What throws me for the loop is Manny Pacquiao, Snoop Dogg and Gina Carano...then again, if you whisper She Smells So Nice in any of their eyes, it might be a Doomsday for you. So there you have it, the only thing trending on Yahoo right now is Doomsday...which makes me wonder how Mitt Romney is doing. 

Sesame Street Ad 5

Golden Dawn must buy commerical time on Sesame Street.

One of the problems with allowing Sessame Street to support itself with commericals is that some weirdos might decide that it is a good idea to take out a few commericals. It is one thing for the Mormons and the Catholic Church to pay for commericals during Sesame Street to convince young children that membership in their organizations is a good thing; it is whole another thing when organizations like the Necromatic Golden Dawn decide that it is their best interests to teach young children their weird ideas. ("Not only do we have Secret Chiefs, we have the undead Mathers, Westcott and Crowley sitting on the dais just wanting to eat your brains and drink your blood.") I think that Mitt Romney believes that only good Republican and Wall Street backed companies and organizations are going to be able to afford commerical time on Sesame Street, but I am sure that enourgh weirdos want to get their message out that Sesame Street will be mighty tempted to take some unclean dues money from people selling zombie healing techniques and demonic invocations. Right behind them will be the Sisters of Severity (a women mystery tradition filled with wicked Wiccans and pagans) and the Stone Cutters (a men mystery tradition filled with beer and doughnuts).

Sesame Street Ad 4

The Family First Foundation is proud to bring you Biblical Lessons with Bert and Ernie.

The danger with relying on commericals for your funding is much like the dangers of relying on the government for your funding---if you do not tell the lies that they want you to, then your funding is cut off. If Sesame Street was producing loyal Republican and Wall Street supporters, Mitt Romney would never dream of cutting the funding to the show. Unfortunately, Sesame Street brainwashes young children into being kind to one another, and accepting of one another differences. When Sesame Street has to follow the Romney Plan for Commericalized Federal Budget Fund Raising, some of the characters are going to have to change their behavior if they want to keep their jobs. Two of the Muppets who must get their act together are Bert and Ernie. These two friends need to marry women and quit hanging out with one another. And no more signing of internet petitions supporting gay marriage.

Sesame Street Ad 2

Both you and Elmo need Ritalin, Mitt Romney says so.

Of course, if we follow Mitt Romney's lead and force Sesame Street to support itself through commericals, there are just some products that have to be advertised during that time slot. For instance, I think Ritalin would be an excellent product to advertise during Sesame Street. Look at your child's behavior---does it match Elmo's? Yes? Then your child obviously needs Ritalin. Or some other behavioral controlling drug. Seriously, no one should be as happy as Elmo without the use of some yummy drugs.

Sesame Street Ad 3

Medical Marijuana is proud to bring you Cookie Monster.

Let's be honest. Mitt Romney does have a point---some of the Sesame Street characters would be wonderful for selling tons of products. For instance, if it has sugar in it, Cookie Monster would be your go-to guy. Breakfast cerals, cookies, cakes, cookies, brownies, cookies, danishes, cookies, soda, cookies. If it has sugar, it is yummy. Did I mention that Cookie Monster would be good at selling cookies? Sure, Cookie Monster would not be good at selling fruits and vegatables; but hey, the mark-up on them is not as good as the profit one makes by adding sugar to a food product. Something else Cookie Monster would be good at selling---Medical Marijuana. Given his fondness for cookies (the munchies, perhaps), we all suspect that he has been partaking of the leafy green medicine for a long time.

Sesame Street Ad 1

Today, Big Bird and the letter H is being brought to you by Hooters.

Yes, that is right boys and girls---Mitt Romney thinks that making Big Bird sell his body to Hooters, along with the letter H, is going to help fix the federal budget. After all, both PBS and the NPR receive funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And such most Americans believe that 1 percent or more goes to the CPB, it is time to chop up Big Bird and dip him into BBQ sauce. Actually, the CPB only recieves .00014 of the federal budget. The Sesame StreetWorkshop claims that the money they recieve from the CPB covers "only a fraction" of the costs of producing Sesame Street. The rest of the funding comes from your parents, other donors, program sales, and the selling of Elmo merchandise. But who are you going to believe Big Bird or a Republican? Remember, if you believe that Big Bird should continue to recieve federal funding, both the Chinese loan sharks and the oil-rich terrorists win, and your mommy and daddy will be forced to plant rice and worship the devil.