Suffering from mad cow disease? Brained by zombies? Unable to grasp simple logic? Flunked all your math and science classes multiple times? Paranoid of people who are different than you are? Whacked in the head repeatedly with a Bible as a child? Can you see Russia from your front porch?
If so, never fear, you can enjoy a promising career in the ever-expanding world of politics.
Here at the Higher School of Political Superstitions, we can teach you everything that you need to know to be a successful politician.
Here is just a small list of some of our great classes taught by instructors who suffer the same mental problems that you do:
How to disguise bribes from lobbyists as campaign donations
How to use a phone
How to take selfies of your sexual organ
How to sound like you are a complete idiot even when you are not
How to completely ignore the wishes of the people who voted for you
How to lie without spraying coffee out of your mouth
How to abuse your interns
How to close the government down while blaming the other guy for not giving into your extortion demands
And many, many more valuable classes that will make you a top notch politician on the fast track to the White House.
All this learning can be yours for the amazingly low price of $666. And best of all, you do not need to leave the comfort of your home. Just mail your check or money order to M. D. Eckstein, Dean of the Higher School of Political Superstitions, and we will send you the first correspondence lesson right away. And in no time at all, you will have a piece of lambskin stating that you are the best politician to screw things up.
Don't wait! Send us your check today!
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