Occult Writer (Zealot's Dictionary)

Occult writer: Someone who decides to display their vast ignorance of magic, psionics, and secret societies to the general public. The best occult writers make everything up; second-best occult writers rely on photocopies of old documents found in the circular files of university libraries. All occult writers write for money which explains why they can be found flipping burgers, standing on street corners holding cardboard signs, and selling talismans out of the trunk of their cars behind the local Quik-Mart.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Spot the Pig

Can you spot the pig?

There is a game played by the more unsavory classes of people---aka criminals---pig spotting. The good inmates of Vermont decided to carry it to a whole new level (by "good" I mean "good for a humorous blog post"). Vermont in one of their money saving maneuvers has been using a print shop in one of their correctional facilities to print out decals, including decals for police cars. The inmates decided to modify the official design to include a pig. And the official word from the Vermont State Police is that we are not supposed to find this funny because it is going to cost the tax payers money to replace the Easter egged decals.

If only we had a crystal ball to foresee how inmates would view such a task. So much grief could be sidestepped if only someone had a working crystal ball. How much money could have been saved if only someone wasn't trying to cut the budget and decided to send the printing job to a company not staffed by prison inmates? Seriously, no one thought to double check the police decals being cranked out by the very people that they put in jail?!

While I am sure that criminal behavior was involved in this prank, I am not sure that it rests entirely with the good inmates of the Vermont correction system. I think that there is plenty of blame to go around, and a few questions should be asked about the foresight and common sense of certain government employees.

A bacon based vision test.

As always, leave your angry comments below---I read all the comments, even if I do not approve and publish them.

Trending right now



Things trending on Yahoo the evening of January 10, 2012.

Every once in awhile, I look at the trending topics on one of the sites (search engine, social networking, etc.) and wonder what they have in common...it is a hazard of working as a writer. Here is what trending according to the Yahoo search engine right now: iPhone birthday, Manny Pacquiao, She Smells So Nice, Doomsday Clock, tax planning, 7.3 quake, Twinkles, Snoop Dogg, nicotine therapy, and Gina Carano.

Ok, some of these my fertile mind can connect. For instance, tax planning, nicotine therapy, and the 7.3 quake all tie into the Doomsday Clock. Seriously. C'mon, haven't you tried to do your taxes (or thought about your taxes) while trying to give up smoking? If you have, you have wished for an earthquake or Doomsday to put you out of your misery. And Twinkles are also related to Doomsday because they are the ultimate food---guaranteed to survive any Doomsday (asteriod, nuclear bomb, the coming of Raptochrist). Perhaps the birthday of the iPhone is one of the variables that needs to be accounted for when figuring out when Doomsday is going to occur.

What throws me for the loop is Manny Pacquiao, Snoop Dogg and Gina Carano...then again, if you whisper She Smells So Nice in any of their eyes, it might be a Doomsday for you. So there you have it, the only thing trending on Yahoo right now is Doomsday...which makes me wonder how Mitt Romney is doing. 

Sesame Street Ad 5

Golden Dawn must buy commerical time on Sesame Street.

One of the problems with allowing Sessame Street to support itself with commericals is that some weirdos might decide that it is a good idea to take out a few commericals. It is one thing for the Mormons and the Catholic Church to pay for commericals during Sesame Street to convince young children that membership in their organizations is a good thing; it is whole another thing when organizations like the Necromatic Golden Dawn decide that it is their best interests to teach young children their weird ideas. ("Not only do we have Secret Chiefs, we have the undead Mathers, Westcott and Crowley sitting on the dais just wanting to eat your brains and drink your blood.") I think that Mitt Romney believes that only good Republican and Wall Street backed companies and organizations are going to be able to afford commerical time on Sesame Street, but I am sure that enourgh weirdos want to get their message out that Sesame Street will be mighty tempted to take some unclean dues money from people selling zombie healing techniques and demonic invocations. Right behind them will be the Sisters of Severity (a women mystery tradition filled with wicked Wiccans and pagans) and the Stone Cutters (a men mystery tradition filled with beer and doughnuts).

Sesame Street Ad 4

The Family First Foundation is proud to bring you Biblical Lessons with Bert and Ernie.

The danger with relying on commericals for your funding is much like the dangers of relying on the government for your funding---if you do not tell the lies that they want you to, then your funding is cut off. If Sesame Street was producing loyal Republican and Wall Street supporters, Mitt Romney would never dream of cutting the funding to the show. Unfortunately, Sesame Street brainwashes young children into being kind to one another, and accepting of one another differences. When Sesame Street has to follow the Romney Plan for Commericalized Federal Budget Fund Raising, some of the characters are going to have to change their behavior if they want to keep their jobs. Two of the Muppets who must get their act together are Bert and Ernie. These two friends need to marry women and quit hanging out with one another. And no more signing of internet petitions supporting gay marriage.

Sesame Street Ad 2

Both you and Elmo need Ritalin, Mitt Romney says so.

Of course, if we follow Mitt Romney's lead and force Sesame Street to support itself through commericals, there are just some products that have to be advertised during that time slot. For instance, I think Ritalin would be an excellent product to advertise during Sesame Street. Look at your child's behavior---does it match Elmo's? Yes? Then your child obviously needs Ritalin. Or some other behavioral controlling drug. Seriously, no one should be as happy as Elmo without the use of some yummy drugs.

Sesame Street Ad 3

Medical Marijuana is proud to bring you Cookie Monster.

Let's be honest. Mitt Romney does have a point---some of the Sesame Street characters would be wonderful for selling tons of products. For instance, if it has sugar in it, Cookie Monster would be your go-to guy. Breakfast cerals, cookies, cakes, cookies, brownies, cookies, danishes, cookies, soda, cookies. If it has sugar, it is yummy. Did I mention that Cookie Monster would be good at selling cookies? Sure, Cookie Monster would not be good at selling fruits and vegatables; but hey, the mark-up on them is not as good as the profit one makes by adding sugar to a food product. Something else Cookie Monster would be good at selling---Medical Marijuana. Given his fondness for cookies (the munchies, perhaps), we all suspect that he has been partaking of the leafy green medicine for a long time.