Journalists are not targets

"I would never encourage violence towards journalists." *wink* *wink*

Just ignore what I actually post and say.

Picture: American's Troll-in-Chief, President Donald J. "Jesus" Trump stands in front of a bull's eye labelled FNN (Fake [Fraud] News Network--today's target is CNN, who will it be tomorrow? Tune in to the President's Twitter account and find out!

Introducing the Higher School of Political Superstitions

Suffering from mad cow disease? Brained by zombies? Unable to grasp simple logic? Flunked all your math and science classes multiple times? Paranoid of people who are different than you are? Whacked in the head repeatedly with a Bible as a child? Can you see Russia from your front porch?

If so, never fear, you can enjoy a promising career in the ever-expanding world of politics.

Here at the Higher School of Political Superstitions, we can teach you everything that you need to know to be a successful politician.

Here is just a small list of some of our great classes taught by instructors who suffer the same mental problems that you do:

How to disguise bribes from lobbyists as campaign donations

How to use a phone

How to take selfies of your sexual organ

How to sound like you are a complete idiot even when you are not

How to completely ignore the wishes of the people who voted for you

How to lie without spraying coffee out of your mouth

How to abuse your interns

How to close the government down while blaming the other guy for not giving into your extortion demands

And many, many more valuable classes that will make you a top notch politician on the fast track to the White House.

All this learning can be yours for the amazingly low price of $666. And best of all, you do not need to leave the comfort of your home. Just mail your check or money order to M. D. Eckstein, Dean of the Higher School of Political Superstitions, and we will send you the first correspondence lesson right away. And in no time at all, you will have a piece of lambskin stating that you are the best politician to screw things up.

Don't wait! Send us your check today!

John Cleese updates the security levels of Europe

A voice of reason in the darkness.

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Binders of women--a new threat issued by Troll Cat

Troll Cat must be a Republican.

I just learned that Troll Cat, otherwise known as the Great and Powerful Merlin, was watching the Presidental debate tonight. I discovered this when I refused to give him more catnip, which he scatters all over the house...which in turn makes my wife a little cross--for some reason, she does not believe that we need catnip scattered everywhere.

Upon my refusal to give him more catnip, Troll Cat pointed out that he has whole binders full of women, some of them crazy cat ladies who would be delighted to give him more catnip; therefore, he could replace me with a much better employee.

Now, unlike Mitt Romney, I am sure that Troll Cat does not have binders full of women...but considering that he will not let me near the files, one can never be sure. So I guess that I better play it safe and just give him some catnip.

As for my wife, well, I imagine that Mitt Romney will allow me access to his vast binders of women to select a new wife--after all, he claims to care about my problems.

Spot the Pig

Can you spot the pig?

There is a game played by the more unsavory classes of people---aka criminals---pig spotting. The good inmates of Vermont decided to carry it to a whole new level (by "good" I mean "good for a humorous blog post"). Vermont in one of their money saving maneuvers has been using a print shop in one of their correctional facilities to print out decals, including decals for police cars. The inmates decided to modify the official design to include a pig. And the official word from the Vermont State Police is that we are not supposed to find this funny because it is going to cost the tax payers money to replace the Easter egged decals.

If only we had a crystal ball to foresee how inmates would view such a task. So much grief could be sidestepped if only someone had a working crystal ball. How much money could have been saved if only someone wasn't trying to cut the budget and decided to send the printing job to a company not staffed by prison inmates? Seriously, no one thought to double check the police decals being cranked out by the very people that they put in jail?!

While I am sure that criminal behavior was involved in this prank, I am not sure that it rests entirely with the good inmates of the Vermont correction system. I think that there is plenty of blame to go around, and a few questions should be asked about the foresight and common sense of certain government employees.

A bacon based vision test.

As always, leave your angry comments below---I read all the comments, even if I do not approve and publish them.

Sesame Street Ad 1

Today, Big Bird and the letter H is being brought to you by Hooters.

Yes, that is right boys and girls---Mitt Romney thinks that making Big Bird sell his body to Hooters, along with the letter H, is going to help fix the federal budget. After all, both PBS and the NPR receive funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And such most Americans believe that 1 percent or more goes to the CPB, it is time to chop up Big Bird and dip him into BBQ sauce. Actually, the CPB only recieves .00014 of the federal budget. The Sesame StreetWorkshop claims that the money they recieve from the CPB covers "only a fraction" of the costs of producing Sesame Street. The rest of the funding comes from your parents, other donors, program sales, and the selling of Elmo merchandise. But who are you going to believe Big Bird or a Republican? Remember, if you believe that Big Bird should continue to recieve federal funding, both the Chinese loan sharks and the oil-rich terrorists win, and your mommy and daddy will be forced to plant rice and worship the devil.

A cow based economics lesson

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Wrong way to protest

How to fail when protesting injustice.

I will admit that I do not understand protestors who riot, burning and looting their own neighborhoods. It makes no sense to me to protest that others are treating you badly, and then go destory your own neighborhood. But I guess that is human nature. Last semester, I took a class covering the development of cities in the United States, and every riot that we looked at in that class happened in the very neighborhood of the class that were protesting that they were being oppressed and taken advantage of. It is ironic that by destorying their own neighborhoods, protestors often make it easier for building projects that further displace them both in location and economical standing. On that note, the current round of protesters must be given a failing grade. Sorry guys, I would love to get behind your cause, but the disturbing lack of foresight scares me.