John Cleese updates the security levels of Europe

A voice of reason in the darkness.

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Newest Scout Cookie Flavor

It is Witch Scout Cookie time again--nom! nom! Tasty eye of Newt cookies.

More Apple Maps mischief on Bad Monkey Street

Apple Maps is obviously a fan of my work. 

So it turns out that there is yet another problem with Apple Maps; it turns out that Apple Maps helped themselves to information from OpenStreetMap--the wikipedia of the map world--including street names that are editing pranks. Besides Mojo Way and Hillbilly Hameed, Apple Maps shows a street in Kabul named Bad Monkey.

Could it be that Apple Maps is a fan of my work? After all, I did call my second collection of articles that I write for the Hearthstone Community Church by the title Bad Monkey. Probably not, but that is a much better theory than Apple Maps trying to do a project for as cheap as humanly possible.

You can find Bad Monkey online at Barnes and Noble--Apple Maps might not tell you that. 

Bad Monkey now available online at B&N

The Bad Monkey ebook is now available online at Barnes and Noble.

The good news is that Bad Monkey--the Collected 2011 Hearthstone Community Church Articles is available for sale online from Barnes and Noble (99 cents). The bad news is that there is no cover image for the ebook. *sigh* Not that the cover would actually help the ebook sell--after all, it is more of a in-joke between my friends and me (shared with those who attended the June 2011 Open Full Moon ritual), but still I can't imagine it doing better without the cover image being available. There is also no product description, and the sample size is so small that you really can not get a flavor for my writing style. Oh yeah, this is really going to sell. Yes, you can file this under "The joys of writing ebooks."

Binders of women--a new threat issued by Troll Cat

Troll Cat must be a Republican.

I just learned that Troll Cat, otherwise known as the Great and Powerful Merlin, was watching the Presidental debate tonight. I discovered this when I refused to give him more catnip, which he scatters all over the house...which in turn makes my wife a little cross--for some reason, she does not believe that we need catnip scattered everywhere.

Upon my refusal to give him more catnip, Troll Cat pointed out that he has whole binders full of women, some of them crazy cat ladies who would be delighted to give him more catnip; therefore, he could replace me with a much better employee.

Now, unlike Mitt Romney, I am sure that Troll Cat does not have binders full of women...but considering that he will not let me near the files, one can never be sure. So I guess that I better play it safe and just give him some catnip.

As for my wife, well, I imagine that Mitt Romney will allow me access to his vast binders of women to select a new wife--after all, he claims to care about my problems.

Kitty Software Updates

The number one cause of Kitty Software Update failures.

Today was a Windows Update day. About half of all Windows Update days result in me screaming at one of the computers--and not neccessarily at the dinosaur computer. Which brings me to an important question:

 

Why does Kitty Software Updates fail?

 

(What did you think that I was going to be normal?! Which blog have you been reading?!)

 

For instance, I would like the patch for "Do not chase the oldest cat around the house" to successfully install. As it is right now, I have to stand there with the squirt bottle--the cat version of Alt Ctrl Delete--to even get one of other cats to consider the wisdom of chasing him.

 

Now, let's be fair--Human Software Updates fail all the time. Proof of this can be found in any business, college or mental hospital. In my own case, the "Forgive and Forget" update never seems to install right--periodically, I am told that I should not keep remembering the fact that certain people have proven to be less than reliable. Obviously, it is a software problem--much like my inability to remember any of the math that I learned a couple years ago (or maybe that is just a case of simple bitrot).

 

So why does Kitty Software fail to install the updates?

 

My current theory is improper restarts. For instance, one of my cats was asleep the other day, busy downloading the latest update, and his brother just walked over and booped him on the nose. If improper shutdowns can mess up a Windows Update, then surely an improper restart could mess up a Kitty Software Update, right?

 

And no, the Sanity Update does not work on my particular version of Human Software--I have no idea why that is.

 

Pluto is still a planet according to Apple Maps

Denver Colorado is now on the planet Pluto, according to Apple Maps.

What is the quickest way to make sure that you make a complete mess of a project? Hire absolutely no one who has any experience with the type of project in question.

And that is exactly what the project chiefs behind Apple Maps did. They treated a mapping project as if it was just a collection of data points, and as a result you could find yourself...well, you know where.

I imagine that Apple Maps thinks that Pluto is still a planet, and is located at the intersection of Colfax and Broadway in Denver, Colorado. I dare you to use Apple Maps to prove me wrong.