For your witchy convenience

Black cats, poppets, seven plus one packs of candles, cauldrons...

We accept galleons, sickles, knuts, and MasterWitch (tm.)...

Please make your selection...

A witchy vending machine.

Image: The inside of a vending machine with black cats, President Donald J. Trump poppets, eight packs of candles, and black mini-cauldrons.

Journalists are not targets

"I would never encourage violence towards journalists." *wink* *wink*

Just ignore what I actually post and say.

Picture: American's Troll-in-Chief, President Donald J. "Jesus" Trump stands in front of a bull's eye labelled FNN (Fake [Fraud] News Network--today's target is CNN, who will it be tomorrow? Tune in to the President's Twitter account and find out!

Red shirt sacrifice

"Look at the neat red shirt that the High Priest of Traak just gave me. I wonder what this chevron means--probably that I get to go first in the repast."

Red shirt sacrifice

Image: A person holding up a red shirt and showing it to three other people. There is a circle around a pentagram on the floor, and sitting in the middle of the circle is a fat horned smiling demon.

Custom made chalices

And now a word from my sponsor (aka my wife):


Here are some of the chalices that were made recently. There is a large variety of symbols that can be used: Templar cross, Wicca pentacle, triple moon, and horned god. There are also several scrolls that can be applied. We have a variety of glaze colors to choose from; all of them are food safe. The chalices are hand thrown, underglazed and fired, then overglazed and fired a second time. The whole process from start to finish takes seven to eight weeks.

If you are interested in ordering a custom made chalice, check out Khari's Wiccan Treasures on Etsy.

Templar cross blue chalice. 

Templar cross green chalice. 

Wiccan trimple moon pentacle green chalice. 

Here is the selection of glaze colors to choose from. 

Red and black horned god chalice.

Green triple moon chalice. 

Golden brown triple moon chalice. 

Red and black triple moon chalice. 

Blue and green pentacle chalice. 

Blue pentacle chalice. 

Mexican breakfast

No, it is not a dream--it is a freaky nightmare.

I keep having nightmares of fat Americans who have no idea of what Mexican food is actually supposed to taste like. Americans who seem to think that food with the taste of fried cardboard is somehow representative of what Mexicans eat. I guess that this nightmare was generated by seeing a sign advertising the latest Taco Bell creation--the Waffle Taco. This was designed by an employee making minimum wage, right? Please tell me that it was not the R&D department, and that this is not an idea that cost thousands of dollars to come up with. Because of someone is being paid good money to come up with ideas of how to make Mexican food less Mexican, I would like to apply for the job. My qualifications? Not a single drop of Mexican blood. My biggest weakness? I actually have a clue what Mexican food is supposed to taste like. I suppose that last part ensures that Taco Bell cannot hire me as an inventor in their R&D department...which might be a good thing; after all, who wants to put "invented the waffle taco" on theri resume. Even an unemployed writer like myself have their pride, thank you very much.

Introducing the Higher School of Political Superstitions

Suffering from mad cow disease? Brained by zombies? Unable to grasp simple logic? Flunked all your math and science classes multiple times? Paranoid of people who are different than you are? Whacked in the head repeatedly with a Bible as a child? Can you see Russia from your front porch?

If so, never fear, you can enjoy a promising career in the ever-expanding world of politics.

Here at the Higher School of Political Superstitions, we can teach you everything that you need to know to be a successful politician.

Here is just a small list of some of our great classes taught by instructors who suffer the same mental problems that you do:

How to disguise bribes from lobbyists as campaign donations

How to use a phone

How to take selfies of your sexual organ

How to sound like you are a complete idiot even when you are not

How to completely ignore the wishes of the people who voted for you

How to lie without spraying coffee out of your mouth

How to abuse your interns

How to close the government down while blaming the other guy for not giving into your extortion demands

And many, many more valuable classes that will make you a top notch politician on the fast track to the White House.

All this learning can be yours for the amazingly low price of $666. And best of all, you do not need to leave the comfort of your home. Just mail your check or money order to M. D. Eckstein, Dean of the Higher School of Political Superstitions, and we will send you the first correspondence lesson right away. And in no time at all, you will have a piece of lambskin stating that you are the best politician to screw things up.

Don't wait! Send us your check today!

Loki teaches the Cookie Monster

This clip from Sesame Street cracks me up. The Cookie Monster meets Loki... er, Tom Hiddleston, who both teaches Cookie Monster a lesson about delayed gratification and tricks him. And I think that it is awesome because it is more of the Loki that I know than the comic book/movie version.

(For those who are unaware, yes, I am one of those modern day pagans who have dealings with Loki, the Norse trickster god...who does not seem to be nearly the villain that late Norse mythology made him out to be--in fact, late Norse mythology [and the recording thereof] may have been heavily influenced by Christianity--therefore, I tend to trust my personal experiences more about his true character.)

John Cleese updates the security levels of Europe

A voice of reason in the darkness.

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

Newest Scout Cookie Flavor

It is Witch Scout Cookie time again--nom! nom! Tasty eye of Newt cookies.

More Apple Maps mischief on Bad Monkey Street

Apple Maps is obviously a fan of my work. 

So it turns out that there is yet another problem with Apple Maps; it turns out that Apple Maps helped themselves to information from OpenStreetMap--the wikipedia of the map world--including street names that are editing pranks. Besides Mojo Way and Hillbilly Hameed, Apple Maps shows a street in Kabul named Bad Monkey.

Could it be that Apple Maps is a fan of my work? After all, I did call my second collection of articles that I write for the Hearthstone Community Church by the title Bad Monkey. Probably not, but that is a much better theory than Apple Maps trying to do a project for as cheap as humanly possible.

You can find Bad Monkey online at Barnes and Noble--Apple Maps might not tell you that. 

Bad Monkey now available online at B&N

The Bad Monkey ebook is now available online at Barnes and Noble.

The good news is that Bad Monkey--the Collected 2011 Hearthstone Community Church Articles is available for sale online from Barnes and Noble (99 cents). The bad news is that there is no cover image for the ebook. *sigh* Not that the cover would actually help the ebook sell--after all, it is more of a in-joke between my friends and me (shared with those who attended the June 2011 Open Full Moon ritual), but still I can't imagine it doing better without the cover image being available. There is also no product description, and the sample size is so small that you really can not get a flavor for my writing style. Oh yeah, this is really going to sell. Yes, you can file this under "The joys of writing ebooks."

Binders of women--a new threat issued by Troll Cat

Troll Cat must be a Republican.

I just learned that Troll Cat, otherwise known as the Great and Powerful Merlin, was watching the Presidental debate tonight. I discovered this when I refused to give him more catnip, which he scatters all over the house...which in turn makes my wife a little cross--for some reason, she does not believe that we need catnip scattered everywhere.

Upon my refusal to give him more catnip, Troll Cat pointed out that he has whole binders full of women, some of them crazy cat ladies who would be delighted to give him more catnip; therefore, he could replace me with a much better employee.

Now, unlike Mitt Romney, I am sure that Troll Cat does not have binders full of women...but considering that he will not let me near the files, one can never be sure. So I guess that I better play it safe and just give him some catnip.

As for my wife, well, I imagine that Mitt Romney will allow me access to his vast binders of women to select a new wife--after all, he claims to care about my problems.

Kitty Software Updates

The number one cause of Kitty Software Update failures.

Today was a Windows Update day. About half of all Windows Update days result in me screaming at one of the computers--and not neccessarily at the dinosaur computer. Which brings me to an important question:

 

Why does Kitty Software Updates fail?

 

(What did you think that I was going to be normal?! Which blog have you been reading?!)

 

For instance, I would like the patch for "Do not chase the oldest cat around the house" to successfully install. As it is right now, I have to stand there with the squirt bottle--the cat version of Alt Ctrl Delete--to even get one of other cats to consider the wisdom of chasing him.

 

Now, let's be fair--Human Software Updates fail all the time. Proof of this can be found in any business, college or mental hospital. In my own case, the "Forgive and Forget" update never seems to install right--periodically, I am told that I should not keep remembering the fact that certain people have proven to be less than reliable. Obviously, it is a software problem--much like my inability to remember any of the math that I learned a couple years ago (or maybe that is just a case of simple bitrot).

 

So why does Kitty Software fail to install the updates?

 

My current theory is improper restarts. For instance, one of my cats was asleep the other day, busy downloading the latest update, and his brother just walked over and booped him on the nose. If improper shutdowns can mess up a Windows Update, then surely an improper restart could mess up a Kitty Software Update, right?

 

And no, the Sanity Update does not work on my particular version of Human Software--I have no idea why that is.

 

Pluto is still a planet according to Apple Maps

Denver Colorado is now on the planet Pluto, according to Apple Maps.

What is the quickest way to make sure that you make a complete mess of a project? Hire absolutely no one who has any experience with the type of project in question.

And that is exactly what the project chiefs behind Apple Maps did. They treated a mapping project as if it was just a collection of data points, and as a result you could find yourself...well, you know where.

I imagine that Apple Maps thinks that Pluto is still a planet, and is located at the intersection of Colfax and Broadway in Denver, Colorado. I dare you to use Apple Maps to prove me wrong.

Replacements for the replacement refs

Ok, let's be clear about something up front--I am not a big football fan. But even I must admit that the NFL replacement refs are not up to the task. So given the fact that it is unlikely that we will get the regular officials back soon--because someone is just too d*** cheap to pay them--I now present three replacements (actually four) for the replacement zebras. 

A rotten tomato would make a better replacement.

First up is a rotten tomato. We already getting rotten calls, so we just as well go with a rotten piece of fruit (or is it a vegetable--I am never sure; but then again, either are these second-string refs).

Pee Wee Herman knows more about football.

Obviously, price is an issue and a bigger priority than getting the regular refs back. So let's try some out of work actors--I understand that Pee Wee Herman is willing to work cheap. Plus he is an actor--surely he can act more like a ref than the foot locker crew. 

Yes, my cats sleep though the football games--but they still would be better. 

Seriously. Yes, my cats find football utterly boring, and they do not know the rules. But after watching this round of misfits wearing zebra shirts and having no clue, wouldn't you sooner trust my cats to make better calls. I don't know about you, but my cats make better calls in their litter box than the replacement refs do.

Free for today only

Shakespeare's Monkey

Today (well technically until Friday September 14, 2012), you can get a free copy of my ebook Shakespeare's Monkey when you enter coupon code EX49A at the checkout. Why free today? Well, one of the stories contained in this volume was based on 9/11--apologizes to the dozen people that I blended together to create the characters (it was creative license)--and today is as good of a day to share that piece of fiction as any other.

Customized Death Threats

I believe that this might be a death threat gone bad.

Feeling blue? Unloved? Neglected? Want people to take you seriously?

Prove that you are worthy of love and admiration. Prove to the world that you are a serious lover, leader, politican, or journalist.

How?

Simple, order a personalized death threat from Mad Uncle Morgan.

We can customize a personal death threat that will convince your lover to stay with you, journalists to listen to you, and your followers to believe that you are the real McCoy. It may even convince the police not to give you parking and speeding tickets.

Here at Mad Uncle Morgan's, we have a crack staff of artists standing by to create that perfect death threat to fulfill your goals.

Choose your method of delivery:

Snail (for those death threats that can wait until tomorrow)
Carriage pigeon (a medieval favorite)
Email (currently unavailable--our server is down)
Old fashioned pony express (despite news of their bankrupty, they are still in business)

Choose your medium

Crayon (remember that Mad Uncle Morgan only uses the finest of child labor)
Cut-out newspapers and magazine stock (supplies are limited--order now)
Blood (taken from the finest of debtors)
Gold ink (mucho expensive, yet very impressive)

Choose your threat

Licked by cats (comes with complimentary cat farts)
Smothered by tribbles (a nerd favorite)
Taxed to death (Republicans and rich people love this choice)
Random accident (makes your bad luck look like a conspiracy)

Choose your menace

Freemasonry conspiracy (a prime choice since 1717)
Dogs (maybe one should buy the expensive dog food)
Government squirrels (they are everywhere watching you)
Random lunatic (generated through our patented random number system)

Don't see your favorite on the list? Call now. 1-800-threats and ask about about our special super-expensive rates reserved for our most special customers.

Don't wait. Order now.

[Full disclosure: Mad Uncle Morgan only provides the death threat. No actual assassinations are delivered with this service. Our income depends on repeat business--and where would we be if you actually died?!]

Bad book blurbs

Troll cat, high on drugs, admits his opinion of your book.

The other day, a friend (JF) and I was sitting around talking about bad books and bad writers that we knew. One thing led to another, and we started to write bad book blurbs for some of our favorite bad books and writers. Here are some of our bad book blurbs.

I wouldn't trust this person to write a shopping list.

If I wanted an enema, I would go to the doctor.

After reading this book, I need medical marijuana.

(The following is about a famous series)

This book is perfect for retarded tweens.

My cat buried a better book in the litter box.

(And my personal favorite)

One suspects that the entire editing staff was away on a three-year drunk-fest...

Occult Writer (Zealot's Dictionary)

Occult writer: Someone who decides to display their vast ignorance of magic, psionics, and secret societies to the general public. The best occult writers make everything up; second-best occult writers rely on photocopies of old documents found in the circular files of university libraries. All occult writers write for money which explains why they can be found flipping burgers, standing on street corners holding cardboard signs, and selling talismans out of the trunk of their cars behind the local Quik-Mart.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Spot the Pig

Can you spot the pig?

There is a game played by the more unsavory classes of people---aka criminals---pig spotting. The good inmates of Vermont decided to carry it to a whole new level (by "good" I mean "good for a humorous blog post"). Vermont in one of their money saving maneuvers has been using a print shop in one of their correctional facilities to print out decals, including decals for police cars. The inmates decided to modify the official design to include a pig. And the official word from the Vermont State Police is that we are not supposed to find this funny because it is going to cost the tax payers money to replace the Easter egged decals.

If only we had a crystal ball to foresee how inmates would view such a task. So much grief could be sidestepped if only someone had a working crystal ball. How much money could have been saved if only someone wasn't trying to cut the budget and decided to send the printing job to a company not staffed by prison inmates? Seriously, no one thought to double check the police decals being cranked out by the very people that they put in jail?!

While I am sure that criminal behavior was involved in this prank, I am not sure that it rests entirely with the good inmates of the Vermont correction system. I think that there is plenty of blame to go around, and a few questions should be asked about the foresight and common sense of certain government employees.

A bacon based vision test.

As always, leave your angry comments below---I read all the comments, even if I do not approve and publish them.