Kitty Software Updates

The number one cause of Kitty Software Update failures.

Today was a Windows Update day. About half of all Windows Update days result in me screaming at one of the computers--and not neccessarily at the dinosaur computer. Which brings me to an important question:

 

Why does Kitty Software Updates fail?

 

(What did you think that I was going to be normal?! Which blog have you been reading?!)

 

For instance, I would like the patch for "Do not chase the oldest cat around the house" to successfully install. As it is right now, I have to stand there with the squirt bottle--the cat version of Alt Ctrl Delete--to even get one of other cats to consider the wisdom of chasing him.

 

Now, let's be fair--Human Software Updates fail all the time. Proof of this can be found in any business, college or mental hospital. In my own case, the "Forgive and Forget" update never seems to install right--periodically, I am told that I should not keep remembering the fact that certain people have proven to be less than reliable. Obviously, it is a software problem--much like my inability to remember any of the math that I learned a couple years ago (or maybe that is just a case of simple bitrot).

 

So why does Kitty Software fail to install the updates?

 

My current theory is improper restarts. For instance, one of my cats was asleep the other day, busy downloading the latest update, and his brother just walked over and booped him on the nose. If improper shutdowns can mess up a Windows Update, then surely an improper restart could mess up a Kitty Software Update, right?

 

And no, the Sanity Update does not work on my particular version of Human Software--I have no idea why that is.

 

Pluto is still a planet according to Apple Maps

Denver Colorado is now on the planet Pluto, according to Apple Maps.

What is the quickest way to make sure that you make a complete mess of a project? Hire absolutely no one who has any experience with the type of project in question.

And that is exactly what the project chiefs behind Apple Maps did. They treated a mapping project as if it was just a collection of data points, and as a result you could find yourself...well, you know where.

I imagine that Apple Maps thinks that Pluto is still a planet, and is located at the intersection of Colfax and Broadway in Denver, Colorado. I dare you to use Apple Maps to prove me wrong.

Replacements for the replacement refs

Ok, let's be clear about something up front--I am not a big football fan. But even I must admit that the NFL replacement refs are not up to the task. So given the fact that it is unlikely that we will get the regular officials back soon--because someone is just too d*** cheap to pay them--I now present three replacements (actually four) for the replacement zebras. 

A rotten tomato would make a better replacement.

First up is a rotten tomato. We already getting rotten calls, so we just as well go with a rotten piece of fruit (or is it a vegetable--I am never sure; but then again, either are these second-string refs).

Pee Wee Herman knows more about football.

Obviously, price is an issue and a bigger priority than getting the regular refs back. So let's try some out of work actors--I understand that Pee Wee Herman is willing to work cheap. Plus he is an actor--surely he can act more like a ref than the foot locker crew. 

Yes, my cats sleep though the football games--but they still would be better. 

Seriously. Yes, my cats find football utterly boring, and they do not know the rules. But after watching this round of misfits wearing zebra shirts and having no clue, wouldn't you sooner trust my cats to make better calls. I don't know about you, but my cats make better calls in their litter box than the replacement refs do.

Free for today only

Shakespeare's Monkey

Today (well technically until Friday September 14, 2012), you can get a free copy of my ebook Shakespeare's Monkey when you enter coupon code EX49A at the checkout. Why free today? Well, one of the stories contained in this volume was based on 9/11--apologizes to the dozen people that I blended together to create the characters (it was creative license)--and today is as good of a day to share that piece of fiction as any other.

Customized Death Threats

I believe that this might be a death threat gone bad.

Feeling blue? Unloved? Neglected? Want people to take you seriously?

Prove that you are worthy of love and admiration. Prove to the world that you are a serious lover, leader, politican, or journalist.

How?

Simple, order a personalized death threat from Mad Uncle Morgan.

We can customize a personal death threat that will convince your lover to stay with you, journalists to listen to you, and your followers to believe that you are the real McCoy. It may even convince the police not to give you parking and speeding tickets.

Here at Mad Uncle Morgan's, we have a crack staff of artists standing by to create that perfect death threat to fulfill your goals.

Choose your method of delivery:

Snail (for those death threats that can wait until tomorrow)
Carriage pigeon (a medieval favorite)
Email (currently unavailable--our server is down)
Old fashioned pony express (despite news of their bankrupty, they are still in business)

Choose your medium

Crayon (remember that Mad Uncle Morgan only uses the finest of child labor)
Cut-out newspapers and magazine stock (supplies are limited--order now)
Blood (taken from the finest of debtors)
Gold ink (mucho expensive, yet very impressive)

Choose your threat

Licked by cats (comes with complimentary cat farts)
Smothered by tribbles (a nerd favorite)
Taxed to death (Republicans and rich people love this choice)
Random accident (makes your bad luck look like a conspiracy)

Choose your menace

Freemasonry conspiracy (a prime choice since 1717)
Dogs (maybe one should buy the expensive dog food)
Government squirrels (they are everywhere watching you)
Random lunatic (generated through our patented random number system)

Don't see your favorite on the list? Call now. 1-800-threats and ask about about our special super-expensive rates reserved for our most special customers.

Don't wait. Order now.

[Full disclosure: Mad Uncle Morgan only provides the death threat. No actual assassinations are delivered with this service. Our income depends on repeat business--and where would we be if you actually died?!]

Bad book blurbs

Troll cat, high on drugs, admits his opinion of your book.

The other day, a friend (JF) and I was sitting around talking about bad books and bad writers that we knew. One thing led to another, and we started to write bad book blurbs for some of our favorite bad books and writers. Here are some of our bad book blurbs.

I wouldn't trust this person to write a shopping list.

If I wanted an enema, I would go to the doctor.

After reading this book, I need medical marijuana.

(The following is about a famous series)

This book is perfect for retarded tweens.

My cat buried a better book in the litter box.

(And my personal favorite)

One suspects that the entire editing staff was away on a three-year drunk-fest...

Occult Writer (Zealot's Dictionary)

Occult writer: Someone who decides to display their vast ignorance of magic, psionics, and secret societies to the general public. The best occult writers make everything up; second-best occult writers rely on photocopies of old documents found in the circular files of university libraries. All occult writers write for money which explains why they can be found flipping burgers, standing on street corners holding cardboard signs, and selling talismans out of the trunk of their cars behind the local Quik-Mart.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]