Loki's Wisdom

Spot the Pig

2012-02-03T23:26:00.000-08:00

Can you spot the pig?

There is a game played by the more unsavory classes of people---aka criminals---pig spotting. The good inmates of Vermont decided to carry it to a whole new level (by "good" I mean "good for a humorous blog post"). Vermont in one of their money saving maneuvers has been using a print shop in one of their correctional facilities to print out decals, including decals for police cars. The inmates decided to modify the official design to include a pig. And the official word from the Vermont State Police is that we are not supposed to find this funny because it is going to cost the tax payers money to replace the Easter egged decals.

If only we had a crystal ball to foresee how inmates would view such a task. So much grief could be sidestepped if only someone had a working crystal ball. How much money could have been saved if only someone wasn't trying to cut the budget and decided to send the printing job to a company not staffed by prison inmates? Seriously, no one thought to double check the police decals being cranked out by the very people that they put in jail?!

While I am sure that criminal behavior was involved in this prank, I am not sure that it rests entirely with the good inmates of the Vermont correction system. I think that there is plenty of blame to go around, and a few questions should be asked about the foresight and common sense of certain government employees.

A bacon based vision test.

As always, leave your angry comments below---I read all the comments, even if I do not approve and publish them.

Trending right now

2012-01-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

Things trending on Yahoo the evening of January 10, 2012.

Every once in awhile, I look at the trending topics on one of the sites (search engine, social networking, etc.) and wonder what they have in common...it is a hazard of working as a writer. Here is what trending according to the Yahoo search engine right now: iPhone birthday, Manny Pacquiao, She Smells So Nice, Doomsday Clock, tax planning, 7.3 quake, Twinkles, Snoop Dogg, nicotine therapy, and Gina Carano.

Ok, some of these my fertile mind can connect. For instance, tax planning, nicotine therapy, and the 7.3 quake all tie into the Doomsday Clock. Seriously. C'mon, haven't you tried to do your taxes (or thought about your taxes) while trying to give up smoking? If you have, you have wished for an earthquake or Doomsday to put you out of your misery. And Twinkles are also related to Doomsday because they are the ultimate food---guaranteed to survive any Doomsday (asteriod, nuclear bomb, the coming of Raptochrist). Perhaps the birthday of the iPhone is one of the variables that needs to be accounted for when figuring out when Doomsday is going to occur.

What throws me for the loop is Manny Pacquiao, Snoop Dogg and Gina Carano...then again, if you whisper She Smells So Nice in any of their eyes, it might be a Doomsday for you. So there you have it, the only thing trending on Yahoo right now is Doomsday...which makes me wonder how Mitt Romney is doing.

Sesame Street Ad 5

2012-01-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

Golden Dawn must buy commerical time on Sesame Street.

One of the problems with allowing Sessame Street to support itself with commericals is that some weirdos might decide that it is a good idea to take out a few commericals. It is one thing for the Mormons and the Catholic Church to pay for commericals during Sesame Street to convince young children that membership in their organizations is a good thing; it is whole another thing when organizations like the Necromatic Golden Dawn decide that it is their best interests to teach young children their weird ideas. ("Not only do we have Secret Chiefs, we have the undead Mathers, Westcott and Crowley sitting on the dais just wanting to eat your brains and drink your blood.") I think that Mitt Romney believes that only good Republican and Wall Street backed companies and organizations are going to be able to afford commerical time on Sesame Street, but I am sure that enourgh weirdos want to get their message out that Sesame Street will be mighty tempted to take some unclean dues money from people selling zombie healing techniques and demonic invocations. Right behind them will be the Sisters of Severity (a women mystery tradition filled with wicked Wiccans and pagans) and the Stone Cutters (a men mystery tradition filled with beer and doughnuts).

Sesame Street Ad 4

2012-01-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

The Family First Foundation is proud to bring you Biblical Lessons with Bert and Ernie.

The danger with relying on commericals for your funding is much like the dangers of relying on the government for your funding---if you do not tell the lies that they want you to, then your funding is cut off. If Sesame Street was producing loyal Republican and Wall Street supporters, Mitt Romney would never dream of cutting the funding to the show. Unfortunately, Sesame Street brainwashes young children into being kind to one another, and accepting of one another differences. When Sesame Street has to follow the Romney Plan for Commericalized Federal Budget Fund Raising, some of the characters are going to have to change their behavior if they want to keep their jobs. Two of the Muppets who must get their act together are Bert and Ernie. These two friends need to marry women and quit hanging out with one another. And no more signing of internet petitions supporting gay marriage.

Sesame Street Ad 2

2012-01-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

Both you and Elmo need Ritalin, Mitt Romney says so.

Of course, if we follow Mitt Romney's lead and force Sesame Street to support itself through commericals, there are just some products that have to be advertised during that time slot. For instance, I think Ritalin would be an excellent product to advertise during Sesame Street. Look at your child's behavior---does it match Elmo's? Yes? Then your child obviously needs Ritalin. Or some other behavioral controlling drug. Seriously, no one should be as happy as Elmo without the use of some yummy drugs.

Sesame Street Ad 3

2012-01-01T06:30:00.000-08:00

Medical Marijuana is proud to bring you Cookie Monster.

Let's be honest. Mitt Romney does have a point---some of the Sesame Street characters would be wonderful for selling tons of products. For instance, if it has sugar in it, Cookie Monster would be your go-to guy. Breakfast cerals, cookies, cakes, cookies, brownies, cookies, danishes, cookies, soda, cookies. If it has sugar, it is yummy. Did I mention that Cookie Monster would be good at selling cookies? Sure, Cookie Monster would not be good at selling fruits and vegatables; but hey, the mark-up on them is not as good as the profit one makes by adding sugar to a food product. Something else Cookie Monster would be good at selling---Medical Marijuana. Given his fondness for cookies (the munchies, perhaps), we all suspect that he has been partaking of the leafy green medicine for a long time.

Sesame Street Ad 1

2012-01-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

Today, Big Bird and the letter H is being brought to you by Hooters.

Yes, that is right boys and girls---Mitt Romney thinks that making Big Bird sell his body to Hooters, along with the letter H, is going to help fix the federal budget. After all, both PBS and the NPR receive funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And such most Americans believe that 1 percent or more goes to the CPB, it is time to chop up Big Bird and dip him into BBQ sauce. Actually, the CPB only recieves .00014 of the federal budget. The Sesame StreetWorkshop claims that the money they recieve from the CPB covers "only a fraction" of the costs of producing Sesame Street. The rest of the funding comes from your parents, other donors, program sales, and the selling of Elmo merchandise. But who are you going to believe Big Bird or a Republican? Remember, if you believe that Big Bird should continue to recieve federal funding, both the Chinese loan sharks and the oil-rich terrorists win, and your mommy and daddy will be forced to plant rice and worship the devil.

Disclosure on misnumbered future posts

2011-12-31T21:17:00.000-08:00

Just a quick disclosure statement---in a few hours, posts are going to start going live on this blog (Sesame Street ads) and the numbering is going to look like I was ingesting Cookie Monster's Magical Cancer Cure. The numbering is actually the order that I created the jokes. Putting them into the prescheduled system, I mixed them up a little. Thanks for understanding.

A cow based economics lesson

2011-12-10T18:14:00.001-08:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Cat workplace

2011-12-05T15:51:00.001-08:00

What is wrong with this picture of the cat workplace?

There are a few problems with this picture of cats working. Can you spot them all?

Lazy xmas pizza

2011-12-03T12:25:00.001-08:00

Christmas dinner pizza.

There are moments that I realize that some merchants really do not try very hard. And that I really do not want to eat any food that they are selling. Here is a lovely Christmas dinner pizza. Ok, maybe fuglicious is a better description of it.

It looks more like a bachelor's pizza---you know the type that is really poor and too lazy to go to the grocery store.

"Gee, I am hungry. But Pizza Hut doesn't deliver at this time of night. Oh, look a cardboard pizza. But it has no meat on it. Why did I buy this piece of s*** in the first place? Oh look, I have some bacon, and some lunchmeat...hmmm, I wonder how it would taste on a piece of cheese and tomato sauce painted cardboard."

Yes, I swear that this pizza looks like someone just decided to toss some random breakfast sausage, bacon and lunchmeat on it. And for the name, I am guessing that it is only a Xmas pizza because that is merely the next major holiday on the calendar---come back in a few months, and this will be a fuglicious Easter dinner pizza.

Foot in mouth disease Actress Edition

2011-12-02T13:26:00.001-08:00

Why you should always be careful about what you say.

Here is an example of a conversation that one does not want to have with one's significant other...or anyone else for that matter. Just keep your knowledge...and your ignorance...to yourself. Remember no good can ever come from admitting that you know an actress.

My cat has some food issues

2011-11-23T18:00:00.001-08:00

Lord Baltarashar thinks that he is the only one that matters.

Those who know my interest in the occult know that I think that some animals act as familiars to their owners, and represent attributes that the magician/witch either has or is developing. Looking at my cat Baltarashar, I hope that this is not true because he has some food issues.

Baltarashar is one of the rescue kittens that we trapped from the feral colony last fall. His mother was wild, or maybe feral, and she was bringing them to our porch to eat. When I spotted them I decided that they needed to be fixed.

I also secretly decided that Baltarashar was going to be my cat. He was the most curious and intelligent kitten of the litter. Unfortunately, his time being a poor kitty has warped his little kitty mind.

For instance, he runs from bowl to bowl at feeding time, sampling everyone's food---after all, I might have given someone else something better. His favorite victim to push out of the way is his brother, Georgie.

Now, I understand having food issues. My wife LOATHES my food issues. For instance, I won't consider eating anything that she might be able to eat until it is on the verge of spoiling. This includes leftovers which she doesn't like eating.

Like my cat, my food issues come from my childhood. I am the oldest of eight kids; and from about seven or eight, I was told that my duty was to sacrifice for my siblings. I often went hungry, so that they could have more food.

My wife has been trying to get me to overcome my food issues for years.

Today, I learned while putting away the groceries that "my cat" has an addititional food issue---he has absolutely no shame about helping himself to food that is meant for later. I am putting stuff in the fridge and I turn around and he is busy opening up a packet of fish. I take it away from him, and wrap it up in plastic wrap. I turn back around, and he has found another bag with fish in it. I tell him to stop that, and he gives me that look that Eddie Izzard's dog does---"Is it wrong for me to eat?"

I understand his point. My food issues and his are caused by the same type of situation---stravation. Except that he might be better at coping with it---maybe---we will see if he becomes a twenty pound cat.

Bacon stuffed deep fried twinkles

2011-11-22T20:20:00.001-08:00

Now, normally I do not actually issue actual wisdom on this blog---but today I am going to. Here goes:

If you eat deep-fried bacon stuffed Twinkles, you are going to give yourself a heart attack. Maybe not today, maybe not on Thanksgiving, but soon you will end up taking a ride in an ambulance.

Science with cats and tape

2011-11-20T18:35:00.001-08:00

Is this science? Or is this abuse? Either way, I bet you laugh.

Superhero business cards

2011-11-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

I will admit that it never occurred to me what the business cards of superheroes looked like; but never fear, Smosh anaswered the question for all of us.

Thor: For when your god doesn't come to the rescue.

Hawkman: Proficient in maces, spears and other weapons that were menacing in the Paleolitic era.

Spider-Man: Will work for food or course credit.

Porn v Big Bang Blackboards

2011-10-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Are you aware that there are things written on blackboards in the background of some porn films?

Are you aware that there is a blog dedicated to checking the facts written on such blackboards for accuracy and grade level?

You didn't. And you didn't. Me, neither.

Yeah, we are concerned about what is written on the blackboard.

Isn't this something that like good acting and scripts does not apply to pornographic material?

Come to think of it, I am not sure that good acting and scripts apply to most of the media that we are subjected to. Especially the television commericals.

Maybe this blackboard actually says something brilliant.

Seriously, the only blackboards I pay any attention to are the ones on The Big Bang Theory. And that is only because they call attention to them. I don't understand them...of course, I do not think that I am supposed to.

Which brings me to a theory, if the blackboard is covered with stupid foundational math, one will see some tits. And if it is covered with stuff that you need advanced math to understand, no one is getting laid.

But you already knew this theory, didn't you?

Anyway, a big thanks to the Bloggess for bringing the Blackboards in Porn blog to my attention. Of course, if you would like to thank her, go read her about her encounter with a sasquatch. It is funnier than any porn blackboard you will ever read.

You could be a bomb

2011-10-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

Helping your child understand why he may pose a threat to National Security.

Here is a book that we all need---My First Cavity Search. I am not sure who came up with the idea, but my hat is off to you. I would have no idea how to explain to a child why they must be searched, and incidents of Homeland Security and TSA (Transportation Security Administration) insisting that a child needed a patdown have occurred. I imagine it is only a matter of time before some child is cavity searched---after all, you can pack a lot of explosives into a six year-old.

Just the other day, some poor cancer survivor failed a screening, and needed to be patted down. And no, the TSA did not want to see her Device Identification Card; after all, we know that the terrorists are packing explosives into breast implants and making up fake DICs.

The sad part is that tests conducted on the TSA have proven that if you are serious about getting weapons and bombs through security, you can. My current theory is that the TSA is too focused on petty harrassment, squeezing private parts, and generally being racist to do much good.

Of course, I probably do not have to worry about this. With the amount of meds I would need to be able to fly, the plane would never leave the ground. We all know that migraines are a sign that you have a bomb planted in your brain. Either that, or the TSA will decide that all journalists, bloggers, reporters, writers, cartoonists, and other media people are on the no-fly list. After all, if you print something bad about the TSA or Homeland Security, you are obviously a terrorist.

An experiment with Craig and chickens

2011-09-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

Emo, Craig Ferguson, some chickens, and an experiment---what more could you possibly want for your educational viewing?

At least he has a job

2011-09-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

Who is that working at Enzo's End Pizzeria?

We all know the economy is bad. People have lost their jobs, and are working wherever they can find work. It is sad, especially when you see someone you know working at a place that is paying them far less than they were previously making.

Today, walking by the Enzo's End Pizzaria, I recognized one of their lower paid workers. He was standing on the roof trying to drum up business. In the rain---I repeat, it was raining! Oh how the mighty have fallen. Take a close look at this employee---do you recognize him? I do.

It is Big Boy!!!

Yes, I am positive that it is Big Boy that they were making stand on the roof in the rain. I could be wrong. Maybe, it is his loser of a cousin---the one that gambles a lot.

Either way, given the state of the economy, it is nice that he has a job. I know a bunch of people who would love to be paid minimum wage to stand out in the rain and try to get customers to go inside and buy a pizza.

The Compromise Conspiracy Theory

2011-09-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

Who is responsible? The US government? Or terrorists? Why not both?

Not one of my cartoons, but it does describe how silly I think the conspiracy theories around the fall of the Twin Towers are. Let's be honest---it does not matter who is responsible for the fall of the Twin Towers; what matters is that a lot of people died on September 11, 2001.

[I forgot where I found this cartoon. If you know who the artist is, please leave me a note in the comment section, so that I can credit them properly.]

Not really an artist

2011-08-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Show us your weiner.

Tonight, my wife and I attended a gallery opening. One of her college class-mates was the artist. Of course, looking around at the stuff being done reminded me that I am not really an artist. I am not really sure what I am, but artist is not it.

Of course, part of this ~~realization~~ delusion is the simple fact that I never went to art school, outside of a couple of continuing education classes at the Colorado Institute of Art. It is not that I didn't want to go to art school; it was the fact that at the time I was interested in going to art school, I could not qualify for the student loans because I dropped out of high school (long story for another day) and not yet taken my GED.

The fact that I did not possess a high school diploma did not prevent them from putting me on the continuing education mailing list. It was during one of those evening workshops that I had an instructor (someone who had went to CIA---as the students called it then) tell me that I would be so wasting my money going there. And not because I lacked talent.

He thought that I could teach myself everything I needed to know for much cheaper by investing in books and materials, and spending some time working on my craft. I already could draw what I saw, and had a better work ethic than the other students in the workshops (who spent more time gossiping than doing art).

Which is why I do not have an art school education...I could have went to Metro for art, but decided to go with history and literature instead...and therefore am not really an artist (among other reasons).

Wrong way to protest

2011-08-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

How to fail when protesting injustice.

I will admit that I do not understand protestors who riot, burning and looting their own neighborhoods. It makes no sense to me to protest that others are treating you badly, and then go destory your own neighborhood. But I guess that is human nature. Last semester, I took a class covering the development of cities in the United States, and every riot that we looked at in that class happened in the very neighborhood of the class that were protesting that they were being oppressed and taken advantage of. It is ironic that by destorying their own neighborhoods, protestors often make it easier for building projects that further displace them both in location and economical standing. On that note, the current round of protesters must be given a failing grade. Sorry guys, I would love to get behind your cause, but the disturbing lack of foresight scares me.

Joys of taxes

2011-07-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

Colorado Sales Tax Rates for Dummies.

Occasionally, my printer will look at something that I am printing and insist that it is complete and utter gibberish. Sometimes, I agree with the opinion of the printer. One such time was today as I was researching the local sales tax rate for tomorrow's Handmade Hookup Craftshow. Seriously, the version that my printer printed out makes as much sense as the clear copy.

Message to the wife

2011-07-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

The internet is for three things

My dear wife, the internet was invented for military defense, sharing scientific information, and for pornography. Not for selling your arts and crafts.

(If you are not my wife, please visit her shop Celtic Soul Jewelry and Pottery.)

Silly Blogging Rule Number 57

2011-07-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

Silly Blogging Rule #57

For all those bloggers I read that have written a post (at one time or another) about needing a life to generate material for blog posts. Point of truth---if you have a life, you don't have time to blog. Don't believe me---just watch my blogs when my life gets interesting. The math is simple to do from that set of data: Interesting times in my life equal no blog posts.

Who is Morgan Drake Eckstein?

2011-07-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

Hi Morgan.

I am your host Morgan Drake Eckstein.

*applause*

And I will be your cartoonist today.

*half-hearted applause*

I am here to entertain you.

*applause*

And educate you.

*complete and utter silence*

Ok, forget educating you.

*applause*

And to convince you to visit the Etsy shop of she who must be honored.

*excessive applause*